DECEMBERS COLD NITES

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=2K4B7s2njvo

A new month has come upon us all. The end of one stage and the beginning of the next. The bustling days and nites and lay side to the cold and snowy december. As we look ahead to the christmas season and the end of another year, we sit and reflect with others, What is it that got us to this point of the year and how have the last eleven months changed us forever.

For so long one day growns into the next and week into the next.No interuptions but the constant stream of time . Now the year is coming to the end did we stop back and look at how this year differed from the past or is it just been a continious flow from the one before. For we look at the things and people around us and ask ourselves did I make a difference to myself or to others. Its been a year of ups and downs , ins and outs. Looking back to the moments in time that will forever stay etched in my heart and soul.

And now I must go back in time to one of those points... a day that was to change me forever. Yes like usual i had decided to skip school and go to work. A place that made me forget the difficulties that had come upon me. A place to make some money. A place to help others and in that helping myself. Putting aside the real happenings was a blessing. A way to deal with life and the things that I knew were about to come. Nothing in my powers could change what was going to happen so it was time I escaped from it totally. Finishing up at work now it was time to hit the rink and get on the ice. I was needed to play that game that nite or a forfit was sure to happen and heading into the xmas season we needed all the wins . Again I put myself and others before that which was of more concern.

Like the last month as clock work, i took the car , knowing my dad would be upset for another late nite drive. He always knew where i was going so he didnt really fight me on it. All he ever said was make sure if you get tired pull over and rest. I cant afford right now to have two of you down. So I took the keys and drove to the place that I was needed the most. The usual guard was on the parking gates so he lifted the guard for me and said see you in the morning. Knowing I wouldnt see him the next morning it was a fresh realization that what had been going on was becoming part of my daily pattern.

Up to the front door, down the hall and to the bank of elevators i went. pushing the button and waiting looking up for the number to flash , the door opens and up i travel once again to the 5th floor. Out of the door i brushed my feet and down the freshly cleaned fllor and then it hits me. The door of hatred as come upon me. A place where i feared to go everyday but also the door I knew i had to pass through. Once inside the door i look into the corner , and their she lies asleep in her bed. Hooked up to so many machines. Barely able to recognize the one that bore me and the one that was always there. I slowly moved over to the bed and as I did i felt the temperature rise in my body to the point that i knew it was time to sit in the chair. But I had to make that final step over to the bed. Grab the frail hand and rub it soflty , so she knew I was there. She knew who I was but no longer could she communicate but I knew that when the noises on the machines increased I knew at that point she knew I was there. Holding her hand and face for a hour or more. Tears strolling down my face but holding back the cries.

I had to be strong and show her that I was going to be ok. The doctores and nurses came in and out every nite . They grew accustomed to me being there. If there was a spare bed the nurse always made it ready for me to sleep there for the nite. If not the waiting room lites would be shut off and a pillow and blanket put by myself. Many nites A kind soul would come by and cover me and stroke my hair. The tears rolling down my face for hours on end. I knew I had to be strong and hope for the best but the realization that her time was allmost come to an end. I refused to let her be by herself one single nite. And asleep that nite Im awoke by the intercom"cold Blue room 538" I jumped out of the chair for I knew it had to be. It was her room. I froze in my steps as the doctors and nurses ran into the room. The nurse restrains me from going in and i stand in the hall. not looking but hearing all going on. This was the beginning of the end .

Trying to be a big strong man I held back all the emotion and tears. To get her through the nite I had to be there for her. But Something snapped in my head. I left the hospital and walked and walked and even to the point i made it 10 miles home in the dead of winter. The car was still in the parking lot where I had left it the nite before. I climbed into bed not telling anyone what had happened and dozed off into the land of peace .

A moment in time that forever will remain etched in my mind... To see the the pain one has and the fight that they no longer have....The point at which i had made it to had now begun to end...




http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kd8xp86reY&feature=related

I AM ME......SO WHO ARE YOU?????

Details to follow......

IN DISBELIEF

This blog is my way of telling someone how truly hurt i am. The person in question has been a soul mate a confidant and a net friend. Theres been rocky times in the past and i figured we got over all the hurdles one can cross on here. WRONG!!!! Theres always been that doubt in the back of my mind. Is this person too good to be true. Its not like we will ever meet or anything, but the trust we put in others is suppose to be solomn and a bond.

In life things find us even when we are not looking for them. Well in this case over and over these events found me. The days have been long and hard and to find that time when life takes a break and we can escape to a better place . filled with joy and fun and common comfort.How is it that we dont see the things in the front of our faces but we see things far away and clouded. I dont understand people some times. Ive tried to live an upstanding life. Kindness and caring for others , loyality and always there when im needed. But as like most we dont put ourselves in the front. If anyone can explain why people are like this, praying on the weak, controlling them as they like m and at the same time not opening themselves up to others. Is it selfish or just a cruel game people play.

This recent events have tarnished me for getting closer to others, opening up the secrets and privacy i usually keep. This time I promised myself I would never allow this to happen again.

hmmmm????????

What to say today. Things moving at a faster pace these days. trying to get a grasp on all thing sin my life. what to I keep and what do i throw away. Do i keep those worn jeans or holey underwear. Maybe get rid of the single sock. Well the net is the same. Do i keep the pages ive created. Does anyone even care if I write. I see by comments on here. Nope!!!!!!I write from my heart. Well things have been changing lately so my days on the net are limited and as for blog pages and net groups, i see no reason anymore to remain. So the question answers itself. No one cares and so i must go.

Fence sitting or taking a stand

Loyality? Do we stay with the same waiting for the long haul or do we switch from side to side , staying on the side of caution and going with the flow. Not me!!!

I remain loyal to the cause, staying with my beliefs. No shame in being the under dog. Are we not all under dogs in the thing they call life. Shouldnt we go like the tortise slow and steady. Im not green but yes ill go slow and steady for the things that mean the most to me. Life relationships and all about general. this is what seperates us from others. An individual who has his own beliefs and morals that guide him day to day.

Yes as others might pass me by , liiving a better life , being more sucessful in the short. But in the end Ill be seeing them again and at that time i will be passing them by. So for all the ribbing and jabs to the things i take at heart and believe in. all i can say is the picture is much fitting. For a team that even its own city doesnt support, its only a challenger for them to go slow and steady and then that day will come when they say. I took my time played my game the best i could. And now I stand head high and shine. Yep we finally won the cup.

Cant we just all live in peace?? Please!!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Z97Ht_8k8P8&feature=related


As our world changes daily, as the tyrant and the under dogs try to co exist, we need to step back for just a minute. What got us to this point in our history. How did we evolve into the animals that we have become? Why have we ended up this way and what are we willing to do to make a change now before we self implode. The time for rhetoric and false promises must end and the truth and reality must begin. a small deed will always turn into a bigger beed of course. Take that second of your time and extend your hand out to a stranger and offer them peace. Stop waiting for our governments and churches to do this.

Take that step tomorrow and the day after and the day after that and do that simple feat. We have to do this before its too late and there is no turning back. Hate no one anymore, make peace with your enemies . care about the poor and dis advantaged, the week as the strong. Say hello and offer a hello to a new face to your country. Languages religion and ethnic backgrounds can no longer dictate the way and means to our existance. Close your eyes to discrimination and open them to all as one.

Please watch this video and think deep within your heart what we have done to the less fortunate and helpless people in this world. It only takes 4 minutes of your time.

Thanks and peace be with you Ryan

wondering

Where is it i am going. Sitting lost most of the time,thinking what have i become!